Abridged version...

Ok, this is for all my non-Jewish friends, courtesy of Amy's friend Jay. 

Here we go. Feel free to take notes....

So there was this mensch, Judah Maccabee (who was a total badass). He was like a Hebrew Rambo. He just hated King Antiochus who was a royal schmuck because he took away Judah's temple and turned it into some sort of goyim strip mall. (He couldn't have at least turned it into a Chinese Restaurant?) 

Judah led an untrained army (most of them were accountants, doctors and lawyers - little known fact) to defeat the evil king. They were armed with nothing but their faith. (and probably a few rocks and sticks...oh, and their mothers.) Judah kicked butt, and the temple belonged to the Jews again. After cleaning up the place and some tasteful redecorating by Judah's wife (she took an interior decorating class at the local JCC) the menorah was made ready for the temple's dedication. And the Hebrew word for dedication is?? You guessed it! Chanukah!! 

But Oy! There was only enough oil to light the menorah for one day! Someone really dropped the ball on that one. Then something wonderful happened, the lights of the menorah burned for eight days and eight nights! This was way before smart phones so people were easily impressed. It was a miracle! Not as cool as "parting-of-the-sea" but still not too bad. 

And now we celebrate with grateful hearts every year by lighting a candle for each of the eight nights and spinning a small clay block...and eating our weight in latkes.

I hope this helps. Happy Chanukah!